Improve your relationship with you Mother or Daughter!

Why is the mother-daughter dynamic such a complex one? Some mothers want to walk and talk just like their adult daughters. Some daughters need their mothers' acceptance before they make any move. In honor of Mother's Day I'm posting the link to an interview on Oprah.com with Stephanie Mitchell about our book Too Close for Comfort? 
I recommend the interview, Stephanie is a good interviewer and asked in depth questions about this complicated subject. While you are on the site, there are many other articles and interviews on the subject.

Happy Mothers Day!

Are Marriages Better Today?

In the past, the expectation of getting all our needs met by our spouse was not something expected by either partner. But married couples today have very high expectations for their marriage. Couples assume that marriage itself will provide them with personal self-fillment.  This is a relatively new notion and places too much pressure and expectations of the marriage.  Marital satisfaction is is important because happier marriages make happier people. In the article, The All or Nothing Marriage in the New York Times, Eli Finkel discusses whether he thinks the average marriage is better today than in previous decades.

Is There an Empathy Gap?

Adolescence is such a complicated time. Our teens' bodies are making radical changes and their brains are maturing while busy pruning unused synapses. At the same time there is enormous social upheaval made more potent and dramatic because of the impact of social media. 

Now brain scientists are parsing out the details of when empathy is developed stating that affective and cognitive empathy develop not just in childhood, but in the teenage years, first in girls and then in boys.

This information helps explains the cruelty in middle school when so many teenagers are indifferent to the suffering of their peers on Facebook, ask.fm, etc. 

Read, Teens Are Still Developing Empathy Skills by Sue Shellenbarger in The Wall Street Journal

to learn more.  

The Pressure to be Extraordinary

Childhood is no longer a period of exploration for the sheer joy of it with plenty of unscheduled time that helped you unfold into the person you will become.
Today parents have pressure to morph into the modern version of stage parents.  They usher their precious cargo from one academic enrichment or sport to another. Summers filled with endless days spent connecting with friends and playing outdoors until it gets dark are also things of the past. I'm well aware that I've just painted a picture of "The good old days" just like every generation before me. However, I really like change and don't moan about technology or glorify the purity of reading from a paper book vs. the ipad or kindle. But I'm glad my children are grown and I didn't  have to worry about making sure their college applications read like they cured cancer in tenth grade or brought clean water to a poor remote village. In The Daily Beast, Megan McArdle writes about the pressure to be extraordinary in her article, The Absurd Lies of College Admissions.

For Valentines Day- show some appreciation to your partner

A recent study by Harry T. Reiss showed that people who show their partners compassion are happier in their relationship. Acts of kindness increases your satisfaction as much as your partner's. Read more in The Wall Street Journal.

10 Marriage Sweeteners

Harry T. Reis, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, has identified 10 ways couples can show 'compassionate' love to improve a relationship

• Put your partner's goals first. Giving your husband the last cupcake is easy. Spending your vacation—again—with his family is hard.
• Try to understand your partner's thoughts and feelings. Not sure what's going on? Ask.
• Accept, don't judge. Don't like your spouse's relatives, or his taste in clothes or TV shows? Zip it.
• Be open to your partner's requests. Everyone is busy. If your spouse asks for something, assume it's important.
• Modify your plans for your spouse's sake. Does she need a night off from parenting, or a few hours to finish a work project? Accommodate and earn relationship goodwill.
• Do something special for your partner. Flowers are nice, but so is making the bed or giving a massage.
• Express tenderness and caring. Not everyone likes public displays of affection. But you can make a nice cup of tea.
• Go out of your way to 'be there.' Pay attention when your partner seems particularly stressed and try to help.
• Show respect and admiration. Celebrate successes, even little ones. Did your spouse handle a touchy situation well, or make you laugh? Point it out.
• Show you value your partner. Two words: Thank you.

Lasting Effects of High School

Traditionally mental health professionals focus on our childhood and it's impact on our present. But now social scientists are beginning to look at how our experience in adolescence has a long lasting effect on the adults we become. There's nothing benign about putting hundreds or thousands of teenagers in one building with nothing common except their age.

Jennifer Senior writes a very interesting article in New York Magazine titled, "Why You Truly Never Leave High School." It's a terrific read.

What good Can It (Psychotherapy) Do?

The personal benefits of psychotherapy are usually difficult to put into words. New brain imaging and neuroscience can demonstrate how talking to a therapist can make profound differences in our mood, however, this too is hard to grasp when we just feel overwhelmed, stressed and/or sad. Psychotherapist May Benatar does a good job at explaining the benefits of therapy in her Huffington Post Blog.